Ysgramor's Stories
by TyphoonSignal10
Summary: A Follow-Up of sorts to 'Ysgramor's List (or 50-ish things the Companions aren't allowed to do)' Drabbles explaining how some of those rules came to be.


Note: Not all the rules will be made into drabbles, some would require me to depict numerous incidents, others would never be as funny as what you imagine might be the reasons, and others just need no explanation really. Italic text represents Falin gesture-speaking. The Dunmeri used in Rule 7 is partially non-canon and comes from the casualscrolls wiki – IT IS NOT CANON.

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**Rule 1 - No one is to trade another Companion's belongings for any of the following: magic beans, sweet rolls, sleeping tree sap(illegal!) or mammoth tusks for the purpose of impressing pretty merchants(Torvar). - Vilkas**

"Has anyone seen my sword?" Ram-Ku asked, "I swear I left it on the rack by the door last night."

A series of shaken heads was the collective response.

_Strapped to your back?_

"My sword, not my greatsword."

_The difference being?_

"The greatsword is longer, Falin."

A shrug, _magic beats swords regardless of how long they are._

"Apart from when wards are involved." Aela interjected, prompting a scowl from Falin.

"I don't care how effective the sword is or isn't, I just want to know why my sword isn't in that rack."

"Wait that wash your shword?" Torvar slurred, sounding slightly worried. Ram-Ku noticed this and turned unblinking eyes on the drunken Nord.

"Yes, yes it was." He hissed, "Do you know where it is?"

Torvar started to look slightly panicked, "Well it's not like I knew it was yours." Fear having sobered him up considerably.

"Where. Is. It?"

"I may have traded it with Belethor for a mammoth's tusk."

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

**Rule 5 - The only people old enough to have fought in the Great War are Kodlak, Athis and Falin – do not imply that anyone else did. - Njada**

"Njada, do you know anything about the sack of the Imperial City?" Liedan asked, a grin on his face,

"Not personally, why?"

"I just heard that you might have had first-hand experience of it."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, what with you being-"  
"I know exactly what you mean Redguard! Just because I have grey hair, does not mean I'm old enough to have fought in the great war."

"I was more referring to the wrinkl-"

The rest of Liedan's ill-thought jibe was cut off by a flying goat's leg, shortly followed by a furious Nord. "I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE FOUGHT IN THE GREAT WAR!"

**Rule 7 – Athis and Liedan, teaching people to say offensive things in Dunmeri and Yoku under the guise of teaching them useful phrases is not funny. - Kodlak**

"I jus' need someone to practish on." Torvar slurred.

"You are not 'practising' anything on me, drunkard."

"Not, not like that, and not with you Liedan. Athis has been educat- edu- teaching me to speak elfy. I want to practise with someone."

"Well here's your chance," Liedan pointed the inebriated Nord in the general direction of the Dunmer mage sitting in the corner, reading. "I'm sure Falin would love to be disturbed by your inane, inebriated, ramblings. Torvar grinned.

"Thanksh, Liedan." And he set off in the general direction of his target.

"Is he going to do it?" Athis asked, sidling up to Liedan.

"I believe so, what have you taught him?"

"Just watch and be amused my friend." Both Redguard and Dunmer grinned as their Nord friend stumbled over his own feet on the way to Falin.

He cleared his throat. Falin lowered her book.

"Juli sin, F'lah, ohn binthid akhesdif en mahketif kasin." Torvar opened his mouth to continue before yelping and diving to the floor as a fireball whipped through the space that had been recently occupied by his head.

"Nchow! Nchow! Nchow!"

Athis laughed, "He thinks that means sorry."

"Good gods man, what did he say to her?"

Just as Athis began to explain, he suddenly realised that Falin had stopped hurling fireballs at the presently quivering Torvar, and was instead staring at him and Liedan.

"Liedan, I think she heard you." A sentiment that was confirmed by the female elf's advance towards the two men.

"Run?"

"RUN!"

Dunmeri translations.

Good day, [Insulting address], you look fat and diseased today.

[Vulgar Interjection][Vulgar Interjection][Vulgar Interjection]

**Rule 8 – Males do not get 'that time of the month' – Falin**

_Torvar, can you carry these target dummies out onto the training ground for me?_

"I'd really love to Falin, but I can't?"

_Why not?_

"Uhh... I'm not feeling well."

_What's the problem, I can help._

"I don't think you can."

_Why not?_

"Uhh..." Torvar racked his alcohol-sodden _brain_ for an answer, quickly finding one that always seemed to work for Ria or Njada.

"It's that time of the month." He announced triumphantly, just as the less alcohol-sodden part of his brain screamed at him that that was a bad idea. The look that Falin gave him, told him that he had absolutely no idea how bad an idea it truly was.

_Fuck you._

Fire roared to life in Falin's hands, and Torvar became aware of a warm wetness near his groin.

**Rule 9 - 'Sanguine/Azura/Hircine/Malacath told me to do it' is not an appropriate excuse for anything – Farkas**

"Ram-Ku, would you care to explain exactly what you are doing up in the rafters with my brother's sword between your teeth?"

"Umm..."

"Were you going to hide it?"

"Partly..."

"What do you mean, partly?"

"I was going to embed it in the roof." The Argonian grinned widely.

"Why?"

"Hircine told me to do it."

"Torvar! What are you doing with Falin's journal? You know she'll try to kill you if she realises you've got it,and that will probably result in part of Jorrvaskr burning down."

"Umm... Sanguine told me to?"

**Rule 10 - Do not go into Aela's room if you cannot find her or Falin if you value your life**(or your sanity)** – Athis**

The sound of screaming and fire from the living quarters disrupted an otherwise peaceful morning in Jorrvaskr. Athis sprinted up the stairs, slamming the door behind him, throwing a bench against it in a desperate bid to keep whatever – whoever – he had angered from following.

"Athis, what's going on?" Ram-Ku asked. The elf looked at him fearfully.

"I wanted to ask Aela for a job." He explained. "But I couldn't find her anywhere. So I went into her room." He swallowed, "Falin was in there and... and I've seen things, things I can never forget, things that will haunt me forever, and Aela and Falin want to kill me because of the things I've seen."

**Rule 15 - Pissing in mead bottles is not funny, even less funny is to put said bottles back on the table – Torvar**

Torvar was in a mood, he couldn't find his bottle of mead, even worse, he couldn't find a new one to replace it. He walked the length of the table, searching for an orange bottle filled with the precious honeyed liquid. Just as he was about to give up, he spotted one, right at the end. Sure it had already been uncorked, but his fellow Companion – whoever they were – wouldn't begrudge him one bottle of mead, surely?

He raised the bottle to his lips and drank deeply, then immediately through it back up again, along with the remnants of his dinner. He was vaguely aware, as his sense began to collapse under the assault of the vile-tasting fluid, of Ram-Ku and Liedan laughing at him, and a reptilian voice hissing "I told you he'd drink it." then he passed out.

**Rule 18 - Other people's underwear is not 'perfect for target practice' – Njada**

"Alright, which one of you complete and utter arsehole's stole my underwear?" Njada demanded, storming into the main hall of Jorrvaskr.

"What are you talking about Njada, who'd steal your underwear?" Liedan asked, confused.

"Obviously it was one of you perverts!"

"Me? A pervert?" Liedan clasped his chest in mock anguish, "How dare you! I am a degenerate of the highest standing." He laughed, "But seriously, I have no idea who stole your underwear."

Before Njada could get any angrier at the assembled males, Falin strode in from the courtyard.

_Morning_

"Falin, do you know what happened to Njada's underwear?" Ram-Ku

_No, I've been doing target practice all morning_

Athis groaned, "Falin, please tell me you haven't destroyed all the training dummies again, other people need to use those."

_Don't worry, I used a bunch of cloth rags I found in a chest downstairs, some even had red circles on them. They made for excellent targets._ The slowly-forming smirk on Falin's face told Njada exactly what had happened.

"Falin," She asked, voice cold as ice, "Did you burn my underwear?"

_Maybe._ Still smirking.

"All of it?"

_Possibly._

"Why?"

_Because I was bored, and it was fun. Also, excellent targets._

**Rule 27 - Standing near Heimskr and preaching about 'Great and Terrible Malacath' was only funny the first time, and the Stormcloaks are starting to get annoyed – Kodlak**

Heimskr gazed out across the Wind District, shivering slightly in the cold of the Skyrim Morning, but he was a Nord, and more importantly, he was armoured in his faith in Talos. His eyes settled on the Temple of Kynareth, and as he always did, he felt a momentary ripple of jealousy that they could continue to worship their divine in peace and warmth, whilst he was consigned to the ground in front of the statue of Talos. Then he shook it of, such thoughts were unworthy of a priest of Talos. As the people of Whiterun began to emerge from their houses, Heimskr began his sermon.

"Terrible and powerful Talos! We, your unworthy servants, give praise! For only through your grace and benevolence may we truly reach enlightenment! And deserve our praise you do, for we are one! Ere you ascended and the Eight became Nine, you walked among us, great Talos, not as god, but as man!"

A few people glanced at him, but none stopped to listen. Undeterred, Heimskr continued.

"But you were once man! Aye! And as man, you said, 'Let me show you the power of Talos Stormcrown, born of the North, where my breath is long winter.' 'I breathe now, in royalty, and reshape this land which is mine. I do this for you, Red Legions, for I love you."

As he spoke, he noticed an abnormally large Orsimer woman clad in thick, green armour, with an immense warhammer slung over her back stopping near to him. Had he found someone, someone willing to listen? Alas, he had not, he had merely found a new form of mockery, for the woman opened her mouth and began to speak, in a guttural voice, louder even than Heimskr.

"Oh great and terrible Malacath! Keeper of the Sworn Oath and of the Bloody Curse! I, your loyal servant, bring enlightenment of your great prowess to the masses. And need your enlightenment they do! For they are mired in the words of those inferior Aedra! Before you were Malacath you were Trinimac, and you have shown us that we can continue to thrive, even when society is against us!"

Heimskr tried to raise his voice above the woman's shouting but every time he did, she raised her voice so as to remain slightly louder than him. He was also aware that a number of Whiterun's residents appeared to be deriving great humour from this incident. Fortunately the Stormcloak guards did not find it so funny.

"Gonna have to ask you move lady, you're disturbing the peace." The orc, however, was apparently determined to have the last word as the guards strongarmed her away from Heimskr. "This is an outrage, great and terrible Malacath is just as deserving, if not moreso than Talos!"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up and go back to Jorrvaskr. Bloody orcs."


End file.
